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Five Tips for Breaking Free of The Drama Habit and Developing a Healthier Arguing Style


       
     
       




Five Tips for Breaking Free of The Drama Habit and Developing a Healthier Arguing Style


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...... (as opposed to the exception), a minor argument about who is supposed to take out the trash can quickly escalate into a massive fight, with the extreme fighter in the relationship dramatically shouting that if the other partner does not take out the trash right this minute, then its time for a divorce!

Sometimes the partners of extreme fighters are also extreme fighters themselves, meaning that both partners in the pair are equally addicted to melodramatic conflicts. But interestingly, some extreme fighters have partners who are quiet and not at all interested in drama, and who actually feel quite bewildered each time a minor disagreement suddenly escalates into a massive blow-up.

Once again, just like with dirty fighting, the takeaway message about extreme or ultimatum-based fighting is that an insatiable craving for drama (on the part of one or both partners), often proves to be the main culprit in ending far too many once-happy relationships.

4. Try not to displace your anger at someone else on your partner.

If youre mad at your colleague, your sister, or your friend, then express your feelings (calmly, rationally and appropriately, of course) to the person who has made you angry. Do notI repeat, do not take out your anger on your partner, as it is extremely unfair to do so. Think of a man who gets furious at a store clerk who has been rude to him, but instead of expressing those feelings to the clerk, he goes home and yells at his wife and children for an hour. Its just not right.

5. Steer Clear of Passive-Aggressive Behavior with Your Partner.

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Another way that people sometimes inappropriately show their rage to their partners is by engaging in whats commonly known as passive-aggressive behavior, which is generally defined as the indirect expression of anger. For example, rather than saying something clear and straightforward, such as: Im angry at you about such-and-such, and we need to talk about it, a passive-aggressive individual may try to sabotage his partners lunch date with a friend by calling her on her cell phone every two minutes just to bother her and disrupt her meal. Because it is so subtle, sneaky and underhanded, passive-aggressiveness is one of the least healthy ways to express anger, and it should be avoided at all costs. In fact, passive-aggressiveness may not be as loud or as obvious as picking a huge, dramatic fight, but it can actually be just as harmful and corrosive to an intimate relationship.

In conclusion, none of us behave perfectly with our significant others every minute of every day. In fact, we all have times when we feel so angry with our partners that, in spite of our best efforts, we momentarily forget about "The Golden Rule" altogether, and we end up saying something that we instantly regret. The key is not to allow a pattern of negative behavior to become the norm in our relationships. Therefore, we all need to pay very close attention to our personal arguing styles. Those of us who repeatedly fight dirty (by hurling personal insults and attacks), or engage in too much over-the-top, extreme or ultimatum-based fighting, need to put a stop to such destructive behavior immediately. Fortunately, we all have the power within us to improve our arguing techniques, to show our partners the love and respect that they deserve, and to expect the same love and respect in return.

Rachel Greene Baldino, MSW, LCSW, http://www.rachelbaldino.com, is the author of "The New Age Guide To Loving Simply: Eliminating Drama From Your Intimate Relationships." She earned her graduate degree from The Boston College Graduate School of Social Work and has worked as a therapist in a variety of settings, including a substance abuse treatment facility and a mental health clinic.

Ms. Baldinos relationship book has been mentioned in "The Boston Globe," and she has been quoted about relationships and other topics in "For Me Magazine," "The San Francisco Bay Guardian," "The Albany Times Union," "The Tallahassee Democrat," "The Worcester Telegram & Gazette," "The Community Advocate," "The Shrewsbury Chronicle," "Match.com,"
"Babyzone.com," "Momstoday.com,"
"The Newhouse News Service," and "Indianapolis Woman."

Her first book, "Welcome to Methadonia: A Social Worker's Candid Account of Life in a Methadone Clinic" was published in 2000.

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She lives in New England with her husband of fifteen years and their two young children.




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